[ she tries to imagine it's location, with her loose understanding of geography based on what the Capitol told them and what she knows from the time she's traveled between districts. One is is close to the Capitol so trips are short and there's not a lot to see. she can mentally see where it might be on a map, but can't fathom what life would be like cut off from the rest of the known world. how do they live?
Cash wishes she could have seen Thirteen, if only to have more of the truth that the Capitol hid. she watches Annie a moment, then probes for another question with probably a safer answer. ]
So, the rumors are all true, then. Thirteen exists. There's a rebellion. I don't need the gritty, boring details - how could it get more interesting than you getting married.
Yes, [ annie doesn't hesitate in her response, leaning forward and folding her arms over her knees. ] They were one of the earlier ones.
[ bloodshed and death are part of their every day lives. as careers, they were meant to be desensitized to such things, but annie has never been able to shake what she has seen, never able to find her on/off switch when it mattered. she closes her eyes again, various images from recent events flashing through her mind again. instead of covering her ears, she simply hides her face in her arms. ]
You should have seen everyone trying to dance after several drinks. [ her voice is muffled when she finally does speak. ]
[ that gets though her defenses for a moment. she's proud, so proud of her people who had walked a thin line between obedience and hatred for so long. it's hard to be surrounded by symbols of beauty and wealth and have none of it be truly yours. rebelling is the right choice and she's sure it must have cost them terribly, the extent of which she hopes she never finds out. for now it's enough for her to be proud of her home.
when Annie changes the conversation she realizes her misstep and tries to follow Annie's lead. ] Enobaria? Drinking I can imagine, but dancing... Oh! What about Haymitch? Same thing, drinking but no dancing.
[ the world is still a place that makes her nervous, but less so, knowing that they were able to unite the districts against a common force. annie doesn't know much about country and politics but she at least knows that this is just enough to tip the scales. ]
Haymitch wasn't dancing but he did look sort of pleased, which was a change. He even politely turned down my request to dance.
[ that actually makes her snigger, hiding her face against her own shoulder for a moment until she replies, ] I think he tries hard at being disagreeable.
[ she doesn't blame him. he was once a sought after victor like them, he'd been especially hardened over time, taking comfort in drink. ] He can be okay.
[ as disagreeable and often smelly haymitch can be, annie can't argue with that. he was on their side after all, he was part of the group that set things in motion. it was also clear to her how much care he showed katniss, even if he'd never admit it.
she closes her eyes and smiles lightly. ]
Sometimes I wish I didn't know so much. Sometimes I'm glad I know what happens, too. So I could tell you, prepare you.
[ she nods. she understands. it must be a terrible burden to carry
those secrets, to be the survivor. ] I was never going to have a
happy ending. This - here - that's my happy ending.
[ she sniffs and shakes her head against the images that continue to flicker through her mind. ] You should be here and you should enjoy everything this place has to offer.
[ it takes time, not descending into another fit of hers. deep breaths sometimes help, as well as the grounding force of her friends and loved ones being safe here. the feel of her dog's fur, finnick's presence in this grand house without him actually having to be here. ]
[ she's not sure how Annie will take this, but she thinks maybe it will help. at the least, it's context for everything that happened in the Games. ]
Me and Gloss knew we weren't going to win. We planned not to. But there was a lot to live up to, you know? Our parents - they're proud of us. No one else has two victors for children. So we decided we'd get as far as we could and if one of us made a mistake or got into something we couldn't get out of that the other one would find a way to end things while still making our parents proud. [ because as difficult as their relationship to their parents has been, they own them that at least. ]
It's shitty to know we don't get out but it's what we wanted if we couldn't get out together.
[ a defeatist approach isn't something annie is quick to judge, not when the odds are stacked against them all. the capitol once held all the cards, pushed all the buttons with no regard for the lives of other human beings. they were meant to follow blindly, like herded sheep. ]
Not everyone knew about their plans – Finnick, Haymitch, Johanna and everyone. I didn't know. Katniss hadn't either.
[ Cash tills her head, considering this for a long moment. the twins joined hands with the other victors in a final act of defiance at the interviews, but would they have been willing to risk everything for the unknown that is District 13? ]
I imagine we were a risky choice. [ she hasn't fully decided how that makes her feel. had they played their roles of Capitol sweethearts too well? did the others believe that One was really that loyal to the Capitol? ] We've never lived without each other. Except those couple minutes at the beginning. It felt better to have a guaranteed outcome than to think i'd spend my life without him.
[ it's strange to think about being dead at home when she doesn't even have memories of going into the arena. she wonders, briefly, how far she made it before pushing that thought away. ] It's hard to let go of the past, isn't it?
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Cash wishes she could have seen Thirteen, if only to have more of the truth that the Capitol hid. she watches Annie a moment, then probes for another question with probably a safer answer. ]
So, the rumors are all true, then. Thirteen exists. There's a rebellion. I don't need the gritty, boring details - how could it get more interesting than you getting married.
But - One rebels, don't they?
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[ bloodshed and death are part of their every day lives. as careers, they were meant to be desensitized to such things, but annie has never been able to shake what she has seen, never able to find her on/off switch when it mattered. she closes her eyes again, various images from recent events flashing through her mind again. instead of covering her ears, she simply hides her face in her arms. ]
You should have seen everyone trying to dance after several drinks. [ her voice is muffled when she finally does speak. ]
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when Annie changes the conversation she realizes her misstep and tries to follow Annie's lead. ] Enobaria? Drinking I can imagine, but dancing... Oh! What about Haymitch? Same thing, drinking but no dancing.
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Haymitch wasn't dancing but he did look sort of pleased, which was a change. He even politely turned down my request to dance.
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He's not so bad, when he wants to be all right.
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[ she doesn't blame him. he was once a sought after victor like them, he'd been especially hardened over time, taking comfort in drink. ] He can be okay.
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I'm glad you're back, Annie. You belong here.
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she closes her eyes and smiles lightly. ]
Sometimes I wish I didn't know so much. Sometimes I'm glad I know what happens, too. So I could tell you, prepare you.
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[ she nods. she understands. it must be a terrible burden to carry those secrets, to be the survivor. ] I was never going to have a happy ending. This - here - that's my happy ending.
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Can I tell you something? About home.
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Tell me.
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Me and Gloss knew we weren't going to win. We planned not to. But there was a lot to live up to, you know? Our parents - they're proud of us. No one else has two victors for children. So we decided we'd get as far as we could and if one of us made a mistake or got into something we couldn't get out of that the other one would find a way to end things while still making our parents proud. [ because as difficult as their relationship to their parents has been, they own them that at least. ]
It's shitty to know we don't get out but it's what we wanted if we couldn't get out together.
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[ a defeatist approach isn't something annie is quick to judge, not when the odds are stacked against them all. the capitol once held all the cards, pushed all the buttons with no regard for the lives of other human beings. they were meant to follow blindly, like herded sheep. ]
Not everyone knew about their plans – Finnick, Haymitch, Johanna and everyone. I didn't know. Katniss hadn't either.
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I imagine we were a risky choice. [ she hasn't fully decided how that makes her feel. had they played their roles of Capitol sweethearts too well? did the others believe that One was really that loyal to the Capitol? ] We've never lived without each other. Except those couple minutes at the beginning. It felt better to have a guaranteed outcome than to think i'd spend my life without him.
[ it's strange to think about being dead at home when she doesn't even have memories of going into the arena. she wonders, briefly, how far she made it before pushing that thought away. ] It's hard to let go of the past, isn't it?